Smile though your heart is breaking

A lot of things can be portrayed through a smile.
A sign of happiness, mannerism, care, love, comfort … it’s not a thing of mine that I love doing, I’d love to be able to not feel self conscious with it. Most of the time, yes, I do smile, but it can sometimes be forced just to be polite in that situation. A elderly man from the church came up to me one day and said "you always seem to be smiling, must be something peculiar or funny about my face" a lot of people do say how much a smile can make a difference but I’ve never had anyone comment, even someone whom I don’t really speak to. Whilst being 'unwell', I lost my smile, and any sense of enjoyment. Never ever think that someone is ok just because they smile.

I've learnt a lot about outward appearances and how they seem to basically trick people into thinking that you are doing really well and that nothing phases you. It's exhausting. I always do it, it's the nature of humans. It's kind of the norm in my life, where people tend to act like everything is fine and dandy. It irritates me, it gives a perception that, that's how our lives should be, and that no one else struggles or hurts. It's deception.

Those who know me, know I have a slight obsession with dying my hair. There is an actual reason for that! I dye my hair dependent on how I am, because I could never change any external factors around me i.e family situations, arguments etc, I could make myself happy by sticking a colour on my hair that I fancied. It has always been my way of trying to discover who I am.. other than realising that I don't suit brown hair any more, it hasn't actually helped me discover anything!

I can actually say, that I can for the first time in months, smile genuinely... I feel like I am almost back to myself again! For a long time, I doubted whether I would actually be able to laugh, smile and enjoy anything - but here I am, writing this! God has completely given me the strength that I needed to pick myself up again, I won't pretend that I don't have my bad days, because I do, but I've learnt that I need to face each day as it comes, and hold back on focusing on the future.