In July 2011 I started a new diary of feelings. Compacted with the insane thoughts and hurdles I have each day. I had quite a lot of panic attacks since June, which is strange, for my age anyhow. I had so much on my mind : church, future, home, food, anxiety and paranoia.
I struggle with the father figure and the unconditional love of a father. Many know I don’t have a great relationship with my dad, many don’t know. It’s not something I would bring up with anyone – even though some people seem to think I would. It’s a painful subject. I am constantly let down by him, even when I think he's changed, and he makes a huge effort - asks me to babysit, then doesn't bother. This is why God is so important to me, he cares fo me like a Father should.
I’ve had many down days, if I’m honest, I have felt like giving up and in the darker days, I just didn't want to be here. Seemed like the best option at the time. I often run away from things or situations I can't cope with, but that's just part of who I am. I DO find it hard even if others think I love to talk about my personal things. I find comfort in certain people who I know can pray and be a friend. But it’s not all bad, this isn’t supposed to be a negative blog. It’s a tiny insight into to show what I've come through to get where I am. I won’t continue to go on about the past and how it broke me. I hope that this will be something that is an encouragment in the hope that God gives.
Your father always caught you. HE STILL DOES.
