In August 2011, I was told I had depression. It has completely taken everything that I was, away from me. It's taken me a long time to get to where I am now, with the help of friends. To many, they didn't know, and some still don't now, but I have come to a point where I can say that I have depression.
I first began to notice a change in myself around May 2011. It was around exam time, yes I know that is a lot of stress, but I do not hold anything for that being a reason. A regular thing for me was that I'd..skip school, stay in bed, indulge in alcohol frequently, not sleep, wanted to shut myself away, but always felt I had to go out and see people so that noone would know. I hid behind a "mask" for a long time. I suffer with panick attacks, and sometimes they are worse than usual. I lost enjoyment in everything, and hated myself for everything
Even though I somehow seemed to be so involved in church, I was so angry at God and couldn't understand why I felt this way.
This wasn't the first time I had been to the doctors about something like this.... When I was in year 7, I self-harmed. I did this for about a year and a half, and receieved counselling from CAMHS in Llandough childrens hospital for about 8 months. My memories of this, aren't particuarly nice.
This past year has been crazy.
I have been taken on and off anti depressants over the last 13 months, which resulted in a lot of withdrawal effects and my illness worsening. After a few months of being taken on and off them, I was told I didn't have depression but they were sending me to see a psychiatrist. Now, If you know me well enough, I absolutely hated anything to do with getting help for things and thought immediately I was crazy, noone would believe me, I'd be locked up in a white jacket and put in a white room - yes dramatic, but it was my perception of psychiatrists or anything to do with mental health.
I now can tell you, psychiatrists are lovely NORMAL people, who deal with people with lots of problems. I saw getting help as a sign of weakness, but it's the best thing I have ever done. I understand most things about why I am unwell.
Even through my darkest days, and thoughts of lonliness, I had the most amazing support that I couldn't have ever imagined having. Over the months, the only thing that helped me through everything, was certain friends caring for me, helping me and building me up. Words fail me when I think about how loving, kind, humble, amazing (I could keep going..) that they have been. Precious, precious, precious friends.
