Sometimes, do you ever stop and wonder where home is? that place where you feel most secure and comfortable? this question has been on my mind a lot recently – due to moving away from home and starting university. Within all of the hectic move, I question “where is my home?” – for some people, you won’t understand this, but for me it’s slightly confusing.
Growing up with separated parents, being shipped back and fourth from house to house, I’ve never really given a thought of where home is, it simply didn’t bother me. I will always remember a specific poster in a friend’s room “when God is in your heart, anywhere is home”.
I’ve mentioned past problems and present too, obviously relating to mental health issues – as some would say. I’ve shyed away from writing what has actually been affecting me to a certain extent that I wouldn’t care for tomorrow, next week or ever. Depression and Anxiety. Two words I hate. For me, it’s a huge embarrassment and shows weakness, but that is my personal outlook on it. For others, it’s a sign of strength and reliance on God. I haven’t been able to do that. It hasn’t been that logical for me.
You'll have noticed that I decided to write "feel" ... it's not to be in any way intimidating or patronising as I believe that feelings are totally real and we do experience them, but a realisation that we can't always trust our feelings, they change rapidly and tend to take control of our thoughts and decisions.
When I first got told I had depression, I didn't really acknowledge it for a few months. I know that they told me I had it, but I didn't really understand. I felt embarrassed more than anything, I wasnt aware that other people suffer from it or have done. I felt completely angry with God, why was he letting me suffer? why did I have to go through it? I worried that others would think I was making it up - and I sometimes still think that now.
I guess everyone has those thoughts, they just aren't shared. I now can look back, and understand why I went through everything. I have been strengthened emensly by my journey over the last few years. I still struggle, and I didn't ever want to be like this, but it has become part of me, and I can maybe help others in the future.
